Shalom Shattered, Shalom Restored

It didn’t bloom last Spring, this tulip in its little pot. A stem came up with promising green leaves but no blossoms ever appeared. Perhaps the confines of the planter restricted its roots.

What a sweet surprise to discover it pushing up through the soil a couple days ago. As I’ve been led recently to look at the shattering of shalom in my life, God is using this plant to speak to me. My heavenly Father has brought a lot of healing to my heart’s garden over the years. But I recognize that there are still constraints that choke my growth.

One of my earliest recollections of trauma involves the death of my sister, Debbie, at age four. I was born eleven months after her so we were very close. And yes, I remember her clearly. When she died, I was told that she’d gone to be with Jesus in heaven; my constant companion, my best and essentially only playmate, had left me behind. Such a time of confusion, bewilderment and the unfairness of it all. Then when I thought we were going to see her—it was the funeral we were going to but I didn’t understand what that was—and expecting to see Jesus too, because of being told earlier that’s where she’d gone, I was sorely disappointed that Jesus was only a painting on the wall, and my sister lay unresponsive and cold in a pretty box. I felt foolish for my beliefs and somehow thought I should’ve known. But how could I? I was only three years old.

I can see where this experience has led me to often see myself as left out, not worthy of being included. It seems silly, I know, to think of not dying as a message that I wasn’t worth including, but that is how my little three-year old brain worked. It was a lie I believed about myself and carried along with me, a box I restrained myself in. Also from this I can see where I hold myself away from whole-heartedly investing in relationship with loved ones because how could I stand it if they leave me behind too. Then there’s the sense of “I should’ve known” in any given circumstance where there really is no way for me to know in advance something that is beyond my comprehension.

Thankfully my Jesus is not confined to a painting. He was with me in that earliest time as He now is in this present time. The Holy Spirit has brought healing and will continue to do so. Fully experiencing the pain and sorrow and grief means that I will fully experience the joy He has for me. There is no shame in not knowing what is around the corner and failing to understand life and the confusing incidents in it. Like that little tulip in the planter on my balcony that didn’t reach its bloom last year but is poking its head up again this year, trying again for another chance, my heart is coming up through the grime of sorrow and finding a place of inclusion in His light. Shalom restored.

Right Place, Right Time

 “As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength.” Psalm 138:3 (New Living Translation)

Why did I decide to soar into the blogosphere at this particular time in history? I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I’ve been taking a look at the way things fell into place at the right time.

Blogging’s been around for a couple of decades now. I remember a couple friends starting blogs maybe eight or nine years ago and I’d visit their sites but they weren’t terribly active on them. I dabbled a bit when I had a myspace account around 2007 but didn’t carry on with it either. Hadn’t really figured out what use the blog was to me.

My sister began a blog when she and her husband went to Macedonia on a short term mission trip as a means of updating the prayer team back home. She enjoyed doing it so much that she kept it up after she got home, figuring after all, that every day lives can be on mission. Reading her posts gave me a much better idea of what blogging was about. Started reading other active blogs too. My sister suggested that I might enjoy putting up a blog. But I really didn’t know what I would do with it.

Last fall I seriously thought about it. Journaled and prayed about it. Considered what to name it. But there was a major drawback. I didn’t have my own computer. I’d had one for a number of years but sadly it succumbed to a major global hacking assault last summer. I was fortunate to have backed up my photos and writing on a flash drive prior to the crash.

And so I began praying for another computer of my own.

Now, I still had access to a computer, my husband’s laptop. But because he uses it for work I never felt at ease to spend time writing or creating anything on it. He usually leaves it home while he’s gone during the day but due to the nature of his work, he often pops in at home at unscheduled times and needs to use it. If I’m disrupted in the middle of deep creative time my thought train jumps the track and it takes a long time to get it back on the rails. So I was reluctant to even start anything like a blog.

After a couple of years of staying away from church and women’s ministry due to a painful situation in that area, from January to May of this year I attended a women’s Bible study with a friend. In our small group I began to share a bit about my writing and received affirmation and encouragement.

A friend of my daughter’s offered me a used laptop he had sitting unused in storage. An exciting answer to prayer! Not! (Well, not that prayer anyway.) It was really, really old, a dinosaur, like twenty years old. As soon as we put the anti-virus program on so I could go on-line, it ran so slow it was like it was going backwards. Disappointing? Yes, but the amazing thing was that I was able to practice patient acceptance in my circumstance. A gift and a lifeline that held secure through the months.

During the summer I joined a book club discussion group with some of the ladies from the Bible study, another lifeline.

At the end of July another friend of my daughter’s brought me a laptop that needed a good home. This is a computer with an operating system that was actually made in this century. It’s better than my husband’s laptop! He’s just a wee bit jealous.

Thank you, Lord, for a computer of my own!

Two days after that prayer was answered, I received a request to share my testimony with the book club discussion group at the next meeting. I used this laptop of my own to write out that testimony.

Meanwhile several ‘tutoring’ sessions on how to set up my blog occurred with my personal blogging guru, aka my dear sister, via Skype. Exciting new territory for me!

August 10^th I shared my testimony with the book club. More affirmation and encouragement on my writing. “You need to put this out there for people to read,” someone said. I think she meant in a book but let’s just take it one step at a time.

I made my testimony part of my ‘first’ official blog post August 13^th.

Wait a minute, you’re saying. What about that verse you posted at the beginning? It says God answered you as soon as you prayed. But you had to wait a whole year for a computer of your own. Ah, yes. I waited for the computer. But God immediately gave me the strength to do so patiently and with acceptance. You know that Bible study I attended from January to May? It was Beth Moore’s study on the book of James. I think this wait of mine illustrates the kind of thing James was talking about in the very first chapter. Verses 2-4 tell us, “you should be happy when you have all kinds of tests. You know these prove your faith. It helps you not to give up. Learn well how to wait so you will be strong and complete and in need of nothing.” (New Live Version)

And there you have it. A computer of my own at the right place, right time. Plus strength in the waiting.

What are you waiting for with patient acceptance?

Learning about blogging

My sister Robyn loves to show people how to blog. And I love having her show me.