Monstrous Limitations VS Super Power

So…I’ve been functioning in my new role for a week or so now, right? And there’ve only been a couple of meltdowns. Woohoo! But why would I have any meltdowns at all? Weeeeeelllll…if you read my previous blog post you'll see I mentioned that I am fully capable of managing my husband’s appointment schedule. Which is true, but it also brings me face to face with my two most monstrous handicaps, perfectionism and performance anxiety.

It’s not that I’m inept at my new occupation, (although I have to admit there’s a certain bumbling and fumbling, which my dear husband says is actually endearing and makes me more approachable---aaaawwww). No, it’s the idea that I have to be perfect in it and if I’m not perfect there will be rotten tomatoes thrown and the hook will be extended from backstage, circle my neck and yank me into oblivion. And the whole production will fall flat. That’s a lot of handicapping, let me tell you.  

Some of my limitations are temperament-based and some are from childhood misconceptions about things that happened. Things not in my control but somehow I thought they were. Like the death of a sister among other things. Takes a lifetime to process through that loss apparently; and the repercussions, which as a three-year old, I wasn’t capable of understanding.

I admit it’s weird that scheduling appointments for people I don’t know on a computer CRM would be the key to opening up the dungeon and releasing the Waddif Monster to bite at my heels. The Yushudda Ogre follows and whacks me upside the head while its cousin Yushudenta whacks me on the other. Aaaaaaagh! What’s a girl to do with these handicapping trolls?

This girl remembers a previous battle several years ago with Waddif, Yushudda and Yushudenta. That battle involved an actual stage with this girl assigned a lead role as Auguste Deter in a performance for an Alzheimer’s’ research fundraiser.

Going on-stage wasn’t new as I’d participated for years in church and community theaters but this was my first pivotal lead. And at an institute of higher learning, an added dimension of intimidation.

Waddif scoffed, “You might get a migraine and forget all your lines.” Yushudda screeched, “Why didn’t you say no? With your temperament, you’re not suitable.” Yushudenta accused me of being a fool for thinking I was capable.

I wrestled with the conflict of God giving me the desire and skill as an actress but also giving me a temperament that preferred to be in the background. I remember driving down the street to rehearsal one evening and asking God what was up with this. A familiar verse popped into my head and flowed like a Super Power through my heart. “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”

It’s a Super Power that Paul also experienced. For both my God-given temperament and my God-allowed childhood, I’ve personalized what Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message):

        “I quit focusing on the handicap and begin appreciating the gift…

Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.

Now I take limitations (perfectionism, performance anxiety)

in stride, and with good cheer,

those limitations that cut me down…

I just let Christ take over!

And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 

I realize, as I did for that performance of Augusta’s File, the most important thing necessary is for me to be present, not perfect. His strength really shows up when I’m at my weakest. Good-bye, Waddif, Yushudda and Yushudenta. Back to the dungeon with you.

Role to Minister

Last week hubby and I were talking about life, work, ideas, faith, and finances—you know, those conversations we’ve circled around and through for thirty-seven years. Is there anything new for us to discover pertaining to our relationship? Oh my, yes! Yes, indeed!

Recently hubby started working as a Project Consultant for a small but rapidly growing vinyl fence and patio cover business. A couple days ago at his request, in order to help him focus on the sales and design aspect of his responsibility, I stepped in to manage his appointment schedule. Although phone work is not my favorite occupation, I am very capable of and willing to provide this easement of his load. The data entry part is enjoyable to me, and the fact that no transportation is needed to get me to an office somewhere is a big plus, not to mention that I feel I’m contributing to the economic improvement of our household.

I used to have a job outside the home. Things happened that interfered with continuing—physical limitations to perform my tasks fully, and vehicle limitations to get me there and back again, the latter which also prevented me from actively pursuing employment with less physical stresses.

But being unemployed has burdened our already depleted financial situation sustained in the recession. And hubby has at times felt alone in carrying the load.

On the other hand I’ve been his best cheerleader and encourager, telling him often how much I appreciate his efforts in providing, and offering him little pep talks (as I’ve shared in previous posts), which he readily tells me he values. So in our conversation last week (before this new opportunity developed for me to assist him) I mentioned how pleased I am to be his ezer kenegdo. I’m sure I’d enlightened him on this terminology ages ago, but from the look on his face it was obvious a review was in order.

In Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul, John and Stasi Eldredge present the concept of Eve as ezer kenegdo to Adam. Ezer is one who is needed desperately. Kenegdo is one who comes alongside of another. The way I see it, it’s not about telling my husband how to pilot the boat—he does that very well; it’s about handing him his life jacket! 

When I shared this with him, it was a spiritual “Aha” moment for my hubby. He had been thinking how helpful it would be if I could get a job, and then another thought hit him. One that he describes as a wave rushing through him, the kind of wave he experiences when his gift for spiritual discernment kicks in. He said, “What came to me was, ‘No, dude! Your role is to facilitate Anita’s ministering. Anita’s job is to minister, not to go out and make a lot of money. Your role is to make it possible for her to minister!”

 With a jabra headset stuck in my ear and negotiating the CRM program, I am ministering first to my husband. I consider it a delightful serendipity of my ‘job’.

Who’s the Boss?

It’s a conversation we have often, my hubby and I.

No, no! Not about whether he’s the boss or I am! No need to answer that question. Ha, ha, ha!

No, my man Eddie was voicing his musings again the other morning as to why he feels that working for someone else in a job has more validity than working for himself.

There must be something about oatmeal that gives me insight. Well, at least this time, because that’s what I was eating just then when the thought came to me. And Eddie recognized my ‘aha’ look and responded with his ‘go ahead, lay it on me’ look. Hey, after thirty-six years of marriage, we’ve got the communication by facial expression thing down pretty well.

I said, “Honey, it’s a life-long pursuit of yours, looking for affirmation from someone in authority, the affirmation you didn’t receive from the ones that were ‘supposed’ to provide it. There are jobs where the boss does give that and there are bosses that don’t. Parents that give it and parents that don’t.”

I suggested looking at Colossians chapter three. Verses 22,23,24 in The Message say, “Servants, do what you’re told by your earthly masters. And don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ.” (Italics placed by me)

I said, “It’s about looking to Him for our ‘attaboys’, our affirmation, even if you’re the boss.”

Later that day I came across the following in my daily email Bible reading and found a great big ‘attaboy’ from God. (And yes, I put it in an email to my husband. He wasn’t close enough for facial expression communication by that time.)

Psalm 147

¹⁰ He takes no pleasure in the strength of a horse
    or in human might.
¹¹ No, the Lord’s delight is in those who fear him,
    those who put their hope in his unfailing love. (New Living Translation)

God created each one of us with different physical traits, stamina, talents, abilities—each wonderful in their own way. And according to Genesis, God said His creation was good. Yet, those physical attributes count as nothing to Him compared to our hearts’ and minds’ decision to put our hope in Him. We all have the same ability to choose to do that. We don’t all have the strong muscles but we do all have what it takes for God to delight in us. From the very core of our being, reverencing, acknowledging Him, placing our hope in His love—the love that never fails.

Whatever my job, or yours, whether we work for ourselves or others, our heavenly Father takes a shine to us doing so with an attitude of looking to Him as The Boss.

Hubby’s facial expression says, ‘got it!’